Monday, August 9, 2010

...and Shout!

Today once again I realized how weird people are.

When you are in the pits, well they are sympathetic, they "feel" for you, they wish you the best....but once the best comes, they do not like it.

That's when you can make the distinction between "real" friends, and "not-so real" friends ( I refrain very consciously here from calling them "fake" friends--in the end that's what they really are). Because real friends are also happy for you when you are really comes to that. Sympathy and empathy with "bad" stuff are much easier than with "good" times, or so it certainly seems. 

"Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend's success."
- Oscar Wilde 

I wonder, what is it that make people hate you for being happy. Is it their own life that sucks, even if they will not own up to it? Is it envy ? What is it ??? I ask myself again and again....

For one thing, it is least you can separate the good from the hypocritical, and in the meanwhile you learn some heavy life lessons.
I also noticed that when you are happy again, people start judging you harshly. Mostly it is people that have a not such a clean conscious themselves that are the most harsh judges. Remember what Jesus said...."Those who are without sin, throw the first stone ". Well even religious people do like to throw stones ( actually they are the worst.... those and "morality crusaders" ), even though they (should) preach the contrary.

Morality crusaders or people who cannot think outside of the box, because it does not fit their view, life, way of being...what do I want with them in the end ???

Stepping away from it and observing it can be quite interesting. Well, admittedly, you do loose some people/"friends", but then again, is it really such a big loss ?? Would you want that kind of fakeness around ?? Well, I do not. I can do without it. I have lived a fake life for a long time, and now that I am waking up, I am doing a big cleaning. I even do not have to do it myself, the "not-so-real" friends actually do it for me. It happens automatically. Sometimes even persons you would not have considered to be in the last category, suddenly find themselves doing something, which makes you open your eyes, think about it deeply only to find yourself in shock that even they are not who you thought them to be.

 "Everyone is a friend, until they prove otherwise."

Though it hurts, you know you will have to make some severe decisions. Cut through all the BS and realize whether you want them in your life or not. Harsh, very harsh.....but I guess it just comes with the territory of "waking up", making choices, growing up.....processes that hopefully will never stop throughout  life. Because when you do stop waking,  choosing, growing, well then you are probably death, isn't it.....

But I have to be honest. There are a lot of friends who are really happy for me, even persons I considered mere acquaintances have been much more enthusiastic about my turn for the good, than some of the persons I considered to be my friends. 

I guess in the end that's what life is all about. Every day you learn, and every day you have to be honest with yourself. What works for me, what does not work (any longer) for me ??? Those are the main questions , that's what it comes down to. I can make excuses, I can feign that they do not know what they are doing, but then again, do I want those persons in my life. Do I want them around, do I want to share the good and the bad with them.

I don't think so. Seemingly, growing up and making choices also means cutting out some weeds you certainly do not need. And even though I fear sometimes to make the wrong decisions, by now I know I can trust my instincts, my intuition. It has helped me before, even though I sometimes did not want to follow through on those gut instincts. But every time I went against my grain, something happened (sooner or later) to get me on the right track again.

So this time I guess I will wait and see a bit longer. I can make an informed and intuitive decision based on all facts. And I will...that I know already.....

" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
- Arabian Proverb

The Manual of the Warrior of Light - Excerpt

"The experienced fighter withstands the insults; he knows the force of his fist, the ability of his blows. Before an unprepared opponent, he just looks him deeply into the eyes and wins, without need for a physical fight.

In so much as the Warrior learns with his spiritual master, the light of faith also shines in his eyes and he doesn't need to proof anything to anybody. He does not mind the agressive arguments of his adversary, saying that God is superstition, that miracles are tricks, hat believing in angels is running away from reality.

As the fighter, the Warrior of Light also knows his immense force; he never fights with those who do not deserve the honour of combat."

Excerpt of " The Manual of The Warrior of Light" by Paulo Coelho

Life, Bluff, Courage

This was a post I wrote in the summer of last year.....

Life is funny. It deals you cards. Good ones and bad ones. Then you have to play. And bluff...don't forget to bluff once in a while.

But bluffing is easier said than done. Especially if you don't have a poker face, like me...Onbeslist. Lately, however, the bluffing becomes much learns eventually. Sometimes it's actually fun.

Life is also funny in the way it can throw a veil over things, people , happenings. That veil makes us believe that what we are fighting/living for is the right thing. It throws shadows on our emotions, on our rationalizing, on our whole existance. It can actually make you think you are free, happy, enjoying your life, whatever...But in actual fact you are not free, not happy, not enjoying...and you don't even realize it on a conscious level. Subconsiously all the info is there, only we forget to link up with our uncounsciousness most of the times, and continue believing in the falsenes we are living day to day. Only when we are ready to tear away thet veil, can we really be free, happy, enjoying..then we can become conscious.

I have tasted this freedom for over a year now. I am in the process of personal acceptance, personal forgiveness and each day I feel surer, happier, more and more ME. It is a wonderful process, although it started out with very painful situations, tearing me up inside. Now I realize that it had to be that way. Without going through all the hurt, I would certainly not have become the person I have become/am becoming-- it is a non-stop process, I keep on learning everyday.

It is incomprehensible to me that some people very consciously choose NOT to grow. They are so comfortable with the veil that they make excuses in order to not accept the gift that is there for them to grasp, if only they had the courage to reach beyond. I feel sorry for those people, because they miss out on so much good, so much beauty, somuch inner peace. And I think in the end that is the reason we are here. To be courageous, to unveil the hiddden gifts that life has in store for us.


Funny how your life can make a complete turn. Sometimes for the worst, sometimes for the better.

Since November last year, my spirit had been in a downward spiral. I could not see any endings anymore to the long and winding divorce battle I had been in since 2008. A verbal agreement was reached but it took my ex another 5 months before coming through on it. And those months for me were worse then when I actually stepped out of our marriage.

I stopped believing in a "reasonable" outcome. Good it would never be, but "reasonable" I could deal with , and even so I had no trust in "reasonable" anymore. I dragged myself through day by day by day, pestering my lawyer constantly in order for things to hopefully go ahead, although the ball was not in his camp either. I was merely surviving, not living, awaiting the "liberation" that I needed so badly to happen.

It was not until the very last day, the day that the court case I had against him would be going through, that my ex finally succumbed and signed the agreement we had made verbally so many months ago, actually going back to the original agreement of two years earlier.  He was even pressured in doing so, otherwise I guess it would never have happened and a long legal battle would have been my future for the first years to come. And I think I could not have made it through that. I was even making plans of moving country, should worse come to worse.

That was were I was at in the month of March this year. Desperate, panicking, although trying to keep my head up, loosing all trust, faith and patience with the whole thing, depression creeping in , not interested in anything or anyone anymore.

And then all of a sudden the turnaround came. The funny part is that once things start to turn around, they turn in many aspects at the same time. It's as if a chain event takes door opens and suddenly a whole lot of other doors also open, leaving one completely taken by surprise--in a good way. 

That's what happened to me. Not only did I finally get to sign our agreement, but in the same week my emotional life took a whole new start. I fell in love, head over heels, not thinking it would ever happen again to me, especially not with that person, who I already knew for a while, since the last two years had been very weird in that department as well.

So when the day came to sign , I was not the pessimistic depressed woman, with no hope for the future anymore. I was a very happy customer in complete bliss and with a whole new outlook on life, on new possibilities, I thought would never arise anymore. I was alive again for the first time in a long long while.

So I can truly say...Miracles DO happen....and timing is crucial , as if divine powers are at work. At least  that's how I see it.  When things were at its worst, all was bad. Then a sparkle of light came in , and all of a sudden tha sun started shining bright and warm again.

Looking back at it now, I can say that it was not a minute too late. Just perfect coming together of things, all in the same week. If someone else would tell me the story I might have a hard time believing it, but now that I lived it myself, I know that it can happen.

All one needs is an open mind, patience, and a whole lot of faith, because it is true...after rain always comes sunshine, even after he biggest downpour ever.....

You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it.
Paulo Coelho


Saturday, February 27, 2010

Cry Me A River

~ Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. ~
   Charles Dickens

Last night I cried. I cried so hard. I cried my heart out. I cried me a river.

The tears kept coming , I just couldn't stop them.

Tears of rage, of frustration, of mourning, of discovery, of all I could think and not think of.

I thought that most of my tears had been shed by now. But apparently I'm still carrying a shitload of them around with me. I can beat myself up over that, but will that change anything ? No, of course not... So I just let them out whenever they come. Only thing...they show up at the weirdest places, on the weirdest moments... just when I definitely NOT need them....

Hell, do I need run down make-up? Do I need to look like the newest vampire flick? Do I want to be seen as this blubbering weak, stupid woman, red-faced and bleary-eyed? Of course I don't need any of that. Whoever would want to look like that? I want to look tough, strong, confident, self-assured, assertive and all that crap--let's not forget with immaculate make-up...But I'd make a lousy poker player, I can tell you that. My face betrays me.....I can be read as a book by those who know me well.

I do not want people to see me as a victim. Because I AM NOT A VICTIM. No way. On the contrary. I am a goddamn survivor. I assure you, if I survived my ex, then I can survive anything. And I am proud to have fought for 20 years to keep a marriage going that just had no way of working. It is simple, when one person does not want to see the other as an individual, that deserves respect, empathy, support, well, how can that ever work ?? I tried my best, and I failed....and that hit me hard. And even though it was me who stepped away from the suffering that had made me become numb during the last few years of our so-called marriage, even so I am mourning this loss, this failure.

I have been told that I am not a failure. Well, perhaps that is true. One can't be perfect. But I apparently haven't let go of everything. And I need to do that...SOON. Only there is this resistance coming from him--don't ask me why-- in letting me go, which in turn makes it hard for ME to let go of things I most certainly do not need in my life any longer. The last threads that hold us together and to which he clings  with utter stubbornness and complete disregard for anyone involved in this break-up, have to be cut. And NOW is the time. I want desperately to move on, and have him out of my life, completely. While he, on the other hand, is manipulating himself in such positions that I cannot move on.

I am not stupid to believe that he does that out of love for me. Oh no, it is just control, and the need for vengeance -- such a nasty word.

Yesterday I found myself in this situation where I took out my frustration onto some pathetic yet innocent person, just because he is one of the people completely manipulated into believing that I am the betraying wife, who deserves to be punished for the "cruelty" she inflicted upon her poor ex. Little does he know that it was the other way round. Even I didn't know it until now, so who am I to judge. But anyway, he was in the wrong place, at the wrong moment, and me being in the emotional state I have been in for the last couple of months, just went for his throat. So how pathetic am I. And I don't even feel guilty about it. But it did bring out the river of tears I cried after the incident......I think I might have flooded the village all on my own. And believe me with all the rain we had, more water is the last thing we need.

So today I am back into retreat, safe in my shell, little comforts around me. Licking my (self-inflicted) wounds yet again.

I know there is always sunshine after rain, even if it rains for a long time. So I now prepare myself to play hard ball once again if need be. I WILL BE FREE, whether he agrees with it or not, and in any which way I can to become free. But I ultimately and most definitely will be FREE. The first steps have been taken, so I will not give up and I will make the sun shine again in my life.

And that's a promise!

~ Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again. ~
   Alex Tan

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Quote of the Day

~Holding onto anger is like grasping onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned. ~ Gautama Buddha