Honour thyself

How does one honour oneself?

A question. A question that makes you think. It has certainly made me think.

As I become more and more aware of my true self, I have started to see the world through different eyes. I (sometimes) see through the veil of mystery that most of us carry, some more than others.

I know some people that are truly masters in covering themselves in such a veil. Do they not want to be seen ? Do they have something to hide? Even to the people that are close to them. Do they pride themselves on being so "mysterious"? Or is it just another defense mechanism ? One even they themselves are in denial of ? Do they not want to let people come close ?  Why would they do that to themselves? Why would they create such a shield around them so that even the person, who they, deeply hidden away in their heart, truly love, is not allowed in. Is even pushed away. Afraid that that person sees through the veil perhaps?

I have lived such a situation. I saw through the veil. I could not see everything -- let's call him a Master of Mystery-- but a lot was revealed, more than he himself even knows. At first I was not even conscious about it. Then it dawned on me and on him, making him insecure, making him feel exposed. And then it was as if I was punished for seeing the true person.

It hurt. Immensely.

I chose to step away boldly, calmly, very composed. That is ...outwardly. Within myself I was at first very confused. A mess. Until I got my cool back and had many solitary hours to think about what had happened. Then the puzzle pieces started to fall into place. I have not placed all of them in the right spaces yet. But given time and determination -- I am a pit bull when I want to be-- I'll get there. I'll get IT.

I know now that stepping away was the best thing I did. It took a lot of courage and determination from my part, as I am a people pleaser at heart. It was the second best thing I ever did in my life -- the first one stepping out of my dead and fake marriage and thus rescuing myself. In that first case I closed the door, sealed it off hermetically, although the other party is still standing at the other side of the door trying to get back in.

In this case I do not close doors. On the contrary, I just opened one. I opened up a new angle, a new possibility. For myself, for that person. Only time will tell whether the person got it. I know I got it. I know that by walking out that door, I honoured myself, not my ego but my soul. My hurting soul. But at least I can keep my head up and comfort my heart with the thought that I did the right thing for the both of us.




I am curious if the other person also will honour himself, as I honoured me.

Blessings,
C.