Just an Intro

It's sad to have to reach a certain age  before you are able to start to see things more clearly.  To realize that you still hold onto things, people, relationships,.... which you know will no longer work for you, or at least not work for you in the same old way.

I am on the verge of a complete new life. I thought I had already started it almost two years ago. But , oh boy, was I wrong !!! Letting go of my old life has not been as easy as I thought it would be. And as the saying goes, the last straws are the hardest to take.

I know the time has now come to definitely close the doors on my old life, to leave it behind, to try and not look back, or at least not too much anyway. I can tell you it is not an easy task. It is human nature to always look back, relive the emotions, the hurt, the passions of long long past. It is an art to take out of those memories those things that serve us well, that we can treasure. It is the throwing out radically of the bad stuff that is harder to do. When radical does not work, well then there is still another way. You will then have to learn to deal with the old bad stuff in a different way, so you can use it to your advantage.

So that is exactly where I am at in my life. Learning to deal with the old bad memories and find some use for them. Finding the hidden gift in the memories that hurt you, is a truly amazing thing. I now have an idea how I can turn the bad into good.....It is still in a fetal state, but slowly new ideas emerge and take a more concrete form. It only takes time and patience. And patience is one of those hidden  gifts I have taken from my past life. Patience was not my "forte"...believe me do. But as I went through the last three years, it was a feature that became bestowed upon me , whether I liked it or not.

Patience is exactly what got me through these years, what made me grow and become the woman I am now--don't think now that I have stopped growing, because I know there is still so much to learn. I have been patient for many things to come about--or not. And still I am not where I want to be, still I need patience. Obviously a karmic lesson I was meant to learn in this life.

I have shed many a tear, and they still appear every now and then. Lately very often, as more and more knowledge come my way. Knowledge is good, but it can hurt so much. As the info seeps in bit by bit, as you puzzle those pieces together one by one.....my God, does it hurt. You get slapped in the face again and again. Then come the cleansing tears. I let them flow freely whenever I am in my own little private world. The salty taste is healing me bit by bit. I did not know I still had so many tears left in my that needed to be shed. And I also did not know all the things that went on around me before my "awakening".

When you get that wake up call, you do not wake up immediately. It takes a lot of time and hardship, before you start to see or want to see reality. What I have come to known recently , I actually already knew in my "sleeper-state", deep within. Only now I dare to acknowledge that the inner voice was right all along.

Denial can be treacherous. Because in denial you loose yourself completely. That's the scary part. I am still amazed at myself for that betrayal of myself. But I am also amazed how I was betrayed again and again by the person I loved. Blatantly, without respect, mockingly, flat-out-in-my face betrayed. In front of my very own eyes, day after day. As I look at it now, it was probably the hardest thing to learn, and I am still struggling to digest it, to give it a place.

Sometimes I think: "What if I did not get that wake-up call?". "What if I simply did not recognize or ignore that wake-up call?" That is the scariest of thoughts. I was lucky to get and recognize my wake-up call, to take action upon it, to go deep and hit rock-bottom. Because now I can slowly climb out of the abyss and I know there is a better life ahead of me, a new world. I only need to have the courage to go on and clear the last obstacles that hold me back slowly but surely.  I have faith that I will get there and much further....eventually.

Blessings .....

C.