Saturday, February 27, 2010

Cry Me A River

~ Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. ~
   Charles Dickens

Last night I cried. I cried so hard. I cried my heart out. I cried me a river.

The tears kept coming , I just couldn't stop them.

Tears of rage, of frustration, of mourning, of discovery, of all I could think and not think of.

I thought that most of my tears had been shed by now. But apparently I'm still carrying a shitload of them around with me. I can beat myself up over that, but will that change anything ? No, of course not... So I just let them out whenever they come. Only thing...they show up at the weirdest places, on the weirdest moments... just when I definitely NOT need them....

Hell, do I need run down make-up? Do I need to look like the newest vampire flick? Do I want to be seen as this blubbering weak, stupid woman, red-faced and bleary-eyed? Of course I don't need any of that. Whoever would want to look like that? I want to look tough, strong, confident, self-assured, assertive and all that crap--let's not forget with immaculate make-up...But I'd make a lousy poker player, I can tell you that. My face betrays me.....I can be read as a book by those who know me well.

I do not want people to see me as a victim. Because I AM NOT A VICTIM. No way. On the contrary. I am a goddamn survivor. I assure you, if I survived my ex, then I can survive anything. And I am proud to have fought for 20 years to keep a marriage going that just had no way of working. It is simple, when one person does not want to see the other as an individual, that deserves respect, empathy, support, well, how can that ever work ?? I tried my best, and I failed....and that hit me hard. And even though it was me who stepped away from the suffering that had made me become numb during the last few years of our so-called marriage, even so I am mourning this loss, this failure.

I have been told that I am not a failure. Well, perhaps that is true. One can't be perfect. But I apparently haven't let go of everything. And I need to do that...SOON. Only there is this resistance coming from him--don't ask me why-- in letting me go, which in turn makes it hard for ME to let go of things I most certainly do not need in my life any longer. The last threads that hold us together and to which he clings  with utter stubbornness and complete disregard for anyone involved in this break-up, have to be cut. And NOW is the time. I want desperately to move on, and have him out of my life, completely. While he, on the other hand, is manipulating himself in such positions that I cannot move on.

I am not stupid to believe that he does that out of love for me. Oh no, it is just control, and the need for vengeance -- such a nasty word.

Yesterday I found myself in this situation where I took out my frustration onto some pathetic yet innocent person, just because he is one of the people completely manipulated into believing that I am the betraying wife, who deserves to be punished for the "cruelty" she inflicted upon her poor ex. Little does he know that it was the other way round. Even I didn't know it until now, so who am I to judge. But anyway, he was in the wrong place, at the wrong moment, and me being in the emotional state I have been in for the last couple of months, just went for his throat. So how pathetic am I. And I don't even feel guilty about it. But it did bring out the river of tears I cried after the incident......I think I might have flooded the village all on my own. And believe me with all the rain we had, more water is the last thing we need.

So today I am back into retreat, safe in my shell, little comforts around me. Licking my (self-inflicted) wounds yet again.

I know there is always sunshine after rain, even if it rains for a long time. So I now prepare myself to play hard ball once again if need be. I WILL BE FREE, whether he agrees with it or not, and in any which way I can to become free. But I ultimately and most definitely will be FREE. The first steps have been taken, so I will not give up and I will make the sun shine again in my life.

And that's a promise!

~ Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again. ~
   Alex Tan

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Quote of the Day

~Holding onto anger is like grasping onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned. ~ Gautama Buddha


~ Ego is simply an idea of who you are that you carry around with you. ~ Wayne Dyer

Ego...the all-ruining part of each human being. A part that can destroy you completely. And what's worse, it has the power to destroy people around you, mostly the people that love you.

I have started to step away from my Ego. My Ego is not that important to me anymore. It is there, I admit that. I mostly use it to protect myself against persons I feel might be "dangerous". Then the mask comes on, the defense mechanism kicks in and the Ego takes over. But is it important to me that people think badly of me? No, not anymore so. Is it important that I am being perceived as a do-gooder? No, I have been there, done that, and where did it get me? Nowhere. So, to conclude, Ego has gotten me nowhere, it has only brought me much hurt, sadness, grief, and eventually I lost out. Big time.

~ The ego is not master in its own house. ~ Sigmund Freud

Well Freud was right there. People ruled by Ego, well they always loose in the end. They stop perceiving that there are more important things in life than winning, than outer appearances, than coming out--supposedly-- on top. In their ruthless battle to get everything, in their greediness, they treat people lie stupid little puppets, having no respect for anyone but themselves.

Surely Ego is partly a necessity and when used in small dosage and at the right times it can be very useful. The quotes that I found about Ego made me sit down and think about it some more.

In my experience I have come across mainly three types of persons.

The ones where Ego is Very-Important but luckily they are still aware of their core being, although they are at times unable to reach in and take that core being out. Are they afraid? Perhaps. Are they too proud to admit they are not who they pretend to be? Do they need constant approval and success to BE someone ? The sad thing here is that they have the capacity to reach in and realise they are also dishonoring themselves by not following their Essence. Outer appearances take over, and they usually have a very good flight plan should they be confronted with opening up to their inner core. Be it that they run into their little computer screen -- believe me I have seen that, be it that they become defensive, cocky and then humiliate the person that is --usually-- closest to them.

~ Modern man believes he is fruitful and productive when his ego is aggressively affirmed, when he is visibly active, and when his action produces obvious results. ~ Thomas Merton

The second type are the ones where Ego is not only Very-Important, but All-Important. They are so far caught in their web of fakeness and masks, that they forgot there is something more to life then being recognized as successful, rich, powerful. They are lost cases, as they have allowed their core to die and they pursue the material world feverishly. Those are also the persons that will never find balance, serenity, harmony nor happiness in their short little lives.

The last type are those that have accepted their Ego is still there, but they do not--or at least try very hard-- let it rule them. They allow themselves to become aware . They seek inner balance and harmony. An in their search their inner power becomes stronger and shines through, illuminating their path of life. However evolved they are, I do believe they still have their Ego-moments. --Don't we all?-- But each time they are capable of rising above it. Mainly they will use their Ego as a last drastic measure in circumstances where they have to confront mainly the former All-Important Ego types. They just know that with this type of beings there is simply no reasoning, so they maintain their serenity, their balance , as they portray their Ego to this person, thus leading them astray. Which is probably a clever thing to do.

~ It is the nature of the ego to take, and the nature of the spirit to share.  Proverb

I must mention there is actually a fourth type...those that have evolved in such a way that they NEVER use Ego, they have discarded it completely as it is of no use to them. These persons are old souls, have learned many lessons during many lives. Why would they hide themselves ??

Honestly I can say I am not there yet. It will take some time to become this fourth type, but I have in the past few years evolved to the third kind of person. I do recognize that my mask is coming off more and more. I do not care what people think of me . If they will not take me as I really am, well then they don't have to take me at all. I have no use for such people in my personal life. And I am proud to have made this progress, and to not have remained stuck in my Very-Important Ego personality.

I am not a fool , insofar that I know that in our professional lives, and our day to day dealings with people we do not know, we use a little bit of our mask. It is up to each one of us how far we take that. The less we have to use our Ego and let it rule, the better , the healthier.

Why do I write about this. I guess what we write about is what is inside us, personal experience. An insight that has to come out. 

I have been in a relationship for a long time with a person of the second type. A case of opposites attract ? I don't know. What I do know is that the longer it lasted the more ego-based I myself became, the more I had to put on a mask, as I was not accepted as ME. Not by my partner, but what was worse, not even by myself. How foolish!, you probably think. A fool I was indeed. But certain relationships are just not based on equality ...they are so unbalanced that one person manipulates the other so he/she is the winner. It is easier than you think to fall into that trap. As the saying goes " Love is blind". Well it is blind, but when love becomes fear-based from one side, and obsessive from the other --Ok, I agree that is not real love--- then this unbalanced  relationship will have no way of surviving. It can go on for  a long time, but in the end it will always fail. And that is exactly what happened.

Now in the aftermath of the getting out of that ego-based "love" affair, I am still mourning a lot of lost time. I am in the process of forgiveness, first myself. The other, well to be very frank, I am not there yet. There is still too much nastiness going on for me to be able to go there. It belittles me, a thing I don't like about myself, but then again, isn't recognition the first step to growth. So I'll even try to forgive myself for my pettiness at the moment and see it as yet another step on my way to a new and better life. I pray that soon things will be over, so I am completely free again, because I have to face that I am not free of my past yet.  But that's another story.

~ The foundation of the Buddha's teachings lies in compassion, and the reason for practicing the teachings is to wipe out the persistence of ego, the number-one enemy of compassion. ~
    Tenzin Gyatso

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Quote of the day

Love should be like a tree, with its roots deeply into the earth, but with its branches stretchting out to the sky.
Bertrand Russel

Honour thyself

How does one honour oneself?

A question. A question that makes you think. It has certainly made me think.

As I become more and more aware of my true self, I have started to see the world through different eyes. I (sometimes) see through the veil of mystery that most of us carry, some more than others.

I know some people that are truly masters in covering themselves in such a veil. Do they not want to be seen ? Do they have something to hide? Even to the people that are close to them. Do they pride themselves on being so "mysterious"? Or is it just another defense mechanism ? One even they themselves are in denial of ? Do they not want to let people come close ?  Why would they do that to themselves? Why would they create such a shield around them so that even the person, who they, deeply hidden away in their heart, truly love, is not allowed in. Is even pushed away. Afraid that that person sees through the veil perhaps?

I have lived such a situation. I saw through the veil. I could not see everything -- let's call him a Master of Mystery-- but a lot was revealed, more than he himself even knows. At first I was not even conscious about it. Then it dawned on me and on him, making him insecure, making him feel exposed. And then it was as if I was punished for seeing the true person.

It hurt. Immensely.

I chose to step away boldly, calmly, very composed. That is ...outwardly. Within myself I was at first very confused. A mess. Until I got my cool back and had many solitary hours to think about what had happened. Then the puzzle pieces started to fall into place. I have not placed all of them in the right spaces yet. But given time and determination -- I am a pit bull when I want to be-- I'll get there. I'll get IT.

I know now that stepping away was the best thing I did. It took a lot of courage and determination from my part, as I am a people pleaser at heart. It was the second best thing I ever did in my life -- the first one stepping out of my dead and fake marriage and thus rescuing myself. In that first case I closed the door, sealed it off hermetically, although the other party is still standing at the other side of the door trying to get back in.

In this case I do not close doors. On the contrary, I just opened one. I opened up a new angle, a new possibility. For myself, for that person. Only time will tell whether the person got it. I know I got it. I know that by walking out that door, I honoured myself, not my ego but my soul. My hurting soul. But at least I can keep my head up and comfort my heart with the thought that I did the right thing for the both of us.

I am curious if the other person also will honour himself, as I honoured me.


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Who am I ?

Who am I? Indeed? A question, a valid question. But is there an answer ? A right answer, that is.

Well, I am C. , just another woman on this planet that has seen and lived her share of things, some good, some not so good, some bad, some sad, some cruel. Just like any other woman out there. I am nor better nor worse then any other woman.

I might be wise in some aspects, a bit naive in others, and completely stupid in yet another aspect as well.

Let's start with naive. Well, I can say I AM naive in that I trust too easily in people. I tend to see the good in people, I open up to them, and in some cases I have judged right, in other cases I still cannot believe how naive I could have been. It WAS easy --and sometimes still is--- to pull a veil over my eyes and take advantage of that purity, the child, inside of me. And boy, did some people take advantage of that!!!

What about wise? Well I have to say that over the last year and a half I have become much wiser. Not only due to the fact that I have learned many life-lessons, but also because I have found myself again.
I --that is my Essence-- was hidden in some deep corner far away into myself. Over the years that Essence of Me had taken refuge and had hidden deeper and deeper until I nearly could not find it anymore. I almost lost touch with it, with the real Me. Almost!
I was lucky to find it again and just on time. If I had hung on a bit longer onto what was driving away that very Essence of Me, I would have become a zombie, going through life like a robot, on automatic pilot, just getting through the day, being happy to be able to go to sleep, so there was a bit of time to not have to deal with the automation I had become. I even admit that I was very close to becoming just that. It is just another way of dying.

Then came the awakening, the Aha-moment....that special spark that ignites all of a sudden out of nowhere. It was as if finally my Essence was driven so far into that corner that instead of just dying an unremarkable dead, it started to rebel, to fight it's way back out of that dark and hidden corner. It woke up, became a fury, raging within me, desperate to show itself to the world. Just in time.

I changed posture, people saw me smile more ( although at home I had a lot to cry for, as my rebellion was not much appreciated there). I slowly started to become my Essence again. It was a long, slow process, which in the beginning started off quite fast and with a great fire burning inside me, but my conditioning was so great that I started to doubt that Essence, that fury, and subdued it once again, nearly burying it for the second time. I did not do that. Fortunately.

In the end Essence-Me took victory over Conditioned-Me. I let out the Essential Me, so it could flower yet again. My flowering has not ended yet. I still have a lot to learn about myself and certainly a lot of flowering to do. Certain patterns and conditionings still put up their ugly, horrible heads. Fortunately I am able to recognize those ugly faces and put them away again, in the box where they belong. I hope to one day throw that box out for ever.

And so it is that I am where I am right now...a little bit wiser.

So, that leaves me with stupid. I call it stupid, perhaps others will not call it stupid, but a logical consequence of the conditioning.  Hey, it's just semantics....For now I just call it plainly and nastily STUPID. Forgiving myself for being stupid has been hard. I am still processing that a woman with a certain intuition and intelligence -- which is what I consider myself to be,without being arrogant about it---could have been so blind, so tricked, so stupid....all in the name of love.
I guess worse things have happened in the name of love. Just as horrible things happen all around the world in the name of religion.
I deal with the fight between stupid and forgiving every day. Forgiveness is finally winning.

The combination of my trust, my openness, my kindness was greatly taken advantage of, and now that the whole picture is slowly being unveiled, I can deal with it. So I guess I AM wise.

As you can see the Un-Ravelling has just begun.....By writing it down it becomes real and touchable. But it makes my heart lighter.

I know I have many things to share with woman whose essence was also driven away, who became so conditioned that they lost it....I want to help them.  I think it is one of my tasks in this life, just as it was my task to break free.



Sunday, February 7, 2010

Just an Intro

It's sad to have to reach a certain age  before you are able to start to see things more clearly.  To realize that you still hold onto things, people, relationships,.... which you know will no longer work for you, or at least not work for you in the same old way.

I am on the verge of a complete new life. I thought I had already started it almost two years ago. But , oh boy, was I wrong !!! Letting go of my old life has not been as easy as I thought it would be. And as the saying goes, the last straws are the hardest to take.

I know the time has now come to definitely close the doors on my old life, to leave it behind, to try and not look back, or at least not too much anyway. I can tell you it is not an easy task. It is human nature to always look back, relive the emotions, the hurt, the passions of long long past. It is an art to take out of those memories those things that serve us well, that we can treasure. It is the throwing out radically of the bad stuff that is harder to do. When radical does not work, well then there is still another way. You will then have to learn to deal with the old bad stuff in a different way, so you can use it to your advantage.

So that is exactly where I am at in my life. Learning to deal with the old bad memories and find some use for them. Finding the hidden gift in the memories that hurt you, is a truly amazing thing. I now have an idea how I can turn the bad into good.....It is still in a fetal state, but slowly new ideas emerge and take a more concrete form. It only takes time and patience. And patience is one of those hidden  gifts I have taken from my past life. Patience was not my "forte"...believe me do. But as I went through the last three years, it was a feature that became bestowed upon me , whether I liked it or not.

Patience is exactly what got me through these years, what made me grow and become the woman I am now--don't think now that I have stopped growing, because I know there is still so much to learn. I have been patient for many things to come about--or not. And still I am not where I want to be, still I need patience. Obviously a karmic lesson I was meant to learn in this life.

I have shed many a tear, and they still appear every now and then. Lately very often, as more and more knowledge come my way. Knowledge is good, but it can hurt so much. As the info seeps in bit by bit, as you puzzle those pieces together one by God, does it hurt. You get slapped in the face again and again. Then come the cleansing tears. I let them flow freely whenever I am in my own little private world. The salty taste is healing me bit by bit. I did not know I still had so many tears left in my that needed to be shed. And I also did not know all the things that went on around me before my "awakening".

When you get that wake up call, you do not wake up immediately. It takes a lot of time and hardship, before you start to see or want to see reality. What I have come to known recently , I actually already knew in my "sleeper-state", deep within. Only now I dare to acknowledge that the inner voice was right all along.

Denial can be treacherous. Because in denial you loose yourself completely. That's the scary part. I am still amazed at myself for that betrayal of myself. But I am also amazed how I was betrayed again and again by the person I loved. Blatantly, without respect, mockingly, flat-out-in-my face betrayed. In front of my very own eyes, day after day. As I look at it now, it was probably the hardest thing to learn, and I am still struggling to digest it, to give it a place.

Sometimes I think: "What if I did not get that wake-up call?". "What if I simply did not recognize or ignore that wake-up call?" That is the scariest of thoughts. I was lucky to get and recognize my wake-up call, to take action upon it, to go deep and hit rock-bottom. Because now I can slowly climb out of the abyss and I know there is a better life ahead of me, a new world. I only need to have the courage to go on and clear the last obstacles that hold me back slowly but surely.  I have faith that I will get there and much further....eventually.

Blessings .....