Saturday, February 27, 2010

Cry Me A River

~ Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. ~
   Charles Dickens

Last night I cried. I cried so hard. I cried my heart out. I cried me a river.

The tears kept coming , I just couldn't stop them.

Tears of rage, of frustration, of mourning, of discovery, of all I could think and not think of.

I thought that most of my tears had been shed by now. But apparently I'm still carrying a shitload of them around with me. I can beat myself up over that, but will that change anything ? No, of course not... So I just let them out whenever they come. Only thing...they show up at the weirdest places, on the weirdest moments... just when I definitely NOT need them....

Hell, do I need run down make-up? Do I need to look like the newest vampire flick? Do I want to be seen as this blubbering weak, stupid woman, red-faced and bleary-eyed? Of course I don't need any of that. Whoever would want to look like that? I want to look tough, strong, confident, self-assured, assertive and all that crap--let's not forget with immaculate make-up...But I'd make a lousy poker player, I can tell you that. My face betrays me.....I can be read as a book by those who know me well.

I do not want people to see me as a victim. Because I AM NOT A VICTIM. No way. On the contrary. I am a goddamn survivor. I assure you, if I survived my ex, then I can survive anything. And I am proud to have fought for 20 years to keep a marriage going that just had no way of working. It is simple, when one person does not want to see the other as an individual, that deserves respect, empathy, support, well, how can that ever work ?? I tried my best, and I failed....and that hit me hard. And even though it was me who stepped away from the suffering that had made me become numb during the last few years of our so-called marriage, even so I am mourning this loss, this failure.

I have been told that I am not a failure. Well, perhaps that is true. One can't be perfect. But I apparently haven't let go of everything. And I need to do that...SOON. Only there is this resistance coming from him--don't ask me why-- in letting me go, which in turn makes it hard for ME to let go of things I most certainly do not need in my life any longer. The last threads that hold us together and to which he clings  with utter stubbornness and complete disregard for anyone involved in this break-up, have to be cut. And NOW is the time. I want desperately to move on, and have him out of my life, completely. While he, on the other hand, is manipulating himself in such positions that I cannot move on.

I am not stupid to believe that he does that out of love for me. Oh no, it is just control, and the need for vengeance -- such a nasty word.

Yesterday I found myself in this situation where I took out my frustration onto some pathetic yet innocent person, just because he is one of the people completely manipulated into believing that I am the betraying wife, who deserves to be punished for the "cruelty" she inflicted upon her poor ex. Little does he know that it was the other way round. Even I didn't know it until now, so who am I to judge. But anyway, he was in the wrong place, at the wrong moment, and me being in the emotional state I have been in for the last couple of months, just went for his throat. So how pathetic am I. And I don't even feel guilty about it. But it did bring out the river of tears I cried after the incident......I think I might have flooded the village all on my own. And believe me with all the rain we had, more water is the last thing we need.

So today I am back into retreat, safe in my shell, little comforts around me. Licking my (self-inflicted) wounds yet again.

I know there is always sunshine after rain, even if it rains for a long time. So I now prepare myself to play hard ball once again if need be. I WILL BE FREE, whether he agrees with it or not, and in any which way I can to become free. But I ultimately and most definitely will be FREE. The first steps have been taken, so I will not give up and I will make the sun shine again in my life.

And that's a promise!

~ Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again. ~
   Alex Tan

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