Who am I ?

Who am I? Indeed? A question, a valid question. But is there an answer ? A right answer, that is.

Well, I am C. , just another woman on this planet that has seen and lived her share of things, some good, some not so good, some bad, some sad, some cruel. Just like any other woman out there. I am nor better nor worse then any other woman.

I might be wise in some aspects, a bit naive in others, and completely stupid in yet another aspect as well.

Let's start with naive. Well, I can say I AM naive in that I trust too easily in people. I tend to see the good in people, I open up to them, and in some cases I have judged right, in other cases I still cannot believe how naive I could have been. It WAS easy --and sometimes still is--- to pull a veil over my eyes and take advantage of that purity, the child, inside of me. And boy, did some people take advantage of that!!!

What about wise? Well I have to say that over the last year and a half I have become much wiser. Not only due to the fact that I have learned many life-lessons, but also because I have found myself again.
I --that is my Essence-- was hidden in some deep corner far away into myself. Over the years that Essence of Me had taken refuge and had hidden deeper and deeper until I nearly could not find it anymore. I almost lost touch with it, with the real Me. Almost!
I was lucky to find it again and just on time. If I had hung on a bit longer onto what was driving away that very Essence of Me, I would have become a zombie, going through life like a robot, on automatic pilot, just getting through the day, being happy to be able to go to sleep, so there was a bit of time to not have to deal with the automation I had become. I even admit that I was very close to becoming just that. It is just another way of dying.

Then came the awakening, the Aha-moment....that special spark that ignites all of a sudden out of nowhere. It was as if finally my Essence was driven so far into that corner that instead of just dying an unremarkable dead, it started to rebel, to fight it's way back out of that dark and hidden corner. It woke up, became a fury, raging within me, desperate to show itself to the world. Just in time.

I changed posture, people saw me smile more ( although at home I had a lot to cry for, as my rebellion was not much appreciated there). I slowly started to become my Essence again. It was a long, slow process, which in the beginning started off quite fast and with a great fire burning inside me, but my conditioning was so great that I started to doubt that Essence, that fury, and subdued it once again, nearly burying it for the second time. I did not do that. Fortunately.

In the end Essence-Me took victory over Conditioned-Me. I let out the Essential Me, so it could flower yet again. My flowering has not ended yet. I still have a lot to learn about myself and certainly a lot of flowering to do. Certain patterns and conditionings still put up their ugly, horrible heads. Fortunately I am able to recognize those ugly faces and put them away again, in the box where they belong. I hope to one day throw that box out for ever.

And so it is that I am where I am right now...a little bit wiser.

So, that leaves me with stupid. I call it stupid, perhaps others will not call it stupid, but a logical consequence of the conditioning.  Hey, it's just semantics....For now I just call it plainly and nastily STUPID. Forgiving myself for being stupid has been hard. I am still processing that a woman with a certain intuition and intelligence -- which is what I consider myself to be,without being arrogant about it---could have been so blind, so tricked, so stupid....all in the name of love.
I guess worse things have happened in the name of love. Just as horrible things happen all around the world in the name of religion.
I deal with the fight between stupid and forgiving every day. Forgiveness is finally winning.

The combination of my trust, my openness, my kindness was greatly taken advantage of, and now that the whole picture is slowly being unveiled, I can deal with it. So I guess I AM wise.

As you can see the Un-Ravelling has just begun.....By writing it down it becomes real and touchable. But it makes my heart lighter.

I know I have many things to share with woman whose essence was also driven away, who became so conditioned that they lost it....I want to help them.  I think it is one of my tasks in this life, just as it was my task to break free.


Blessings

C.